Posts from — October 2007

Dear God (or whichever celestial light being happens to be listening),

Remember me? I really don’t think that you do…but that’s okay, as I am offering a free refresher course.

Maybe if I write what I am thinking, you’ll have time to read it at your leisure at some point during the day. I’m treating this just like how I communicate with my friends.

I am Lisa…the mother of two (of what I assume to be) somewhat normal children…one of which is a pre-teen female monster who cries at the drop of a hat and blames me for everything that’s wrong with her life, and the other, an autistic nearly-ten-year old boy who wants nothing more than Spiderman 3 (which is released on DVD today), to talk on the phone with his bf Nick in Georgia, and a lifetime supply of chalk.

Was I so horrible when I was 12 that my mother would nearly cry every morning when I went off to school? I seem to remember being a very quiet girl who was “afraid” to do anything wrong and disrupt the life of my somewhat normal family. I did what I was supposed to do. If I lost a piece of homework, I would try my darndest to find it, even if it meant staying up for half the night searching through papers and other objects in my room…not blaming anyone else but myself for being unorganized and careless.

Did I cry every morning in unison with the alarm clock? Did I scream at the top of my lungs about kids in school calling me a “prep”? As far as I remember, my schoolmates didn’t consider anyone who loved Ozzy Ozbourne a prep, which is something that my daughter and I have in common.

And son…he didn’t ask to be autistic, and I try my absolute hardest to get into his mesmerizing head and see how he perceives his world. But I can’t do that all of the time, as I have the twelve-year-old from hell who thinks that son is the favorite because he requires just a bit more attention than she does.

Did I take what my mother had to say as a joke? Did I constantly dismiss every tidbit of information that she had to offer me as “you don’t know what you’re talking about!”. Did I grow at the rapid rate that my daughter is, just so that I could cry about my clothes being “preppy” and hate every single piece in my wardrobe…even the unique pieces that I personally picked outjust 2 months earlier?

I don’t think so.

So again, if you’re listening, please grant me the strength to help these 2 children who did not ask to be brought into this world (not that anyone asked to be put here). I’m at my wits end and feel myself caving in and shutting down. I just need a bit of help.

Thanks—
Lisa Marie Laflamme Laprade— born under some other name….Marianne or Mary-Ann something…then changed to Lisa Marie on or about December 20, 1968. This is why I think you lost me…my name changed.

 This weekend I went to Salem MA to check out the Halloween sights.  As we walked through the many vendors selling yummy kettle-corn and watching crazy costumes there was a sign for FREE DREAM INTERPERTATION.  I always joked about this one dream I had and never could understand what it meant.  So I said to my lovely wife what the hell!

I walked over to the makeshift tent and said I would like to have my crazy dream interpreted for me.  Over the years my wife and I joked that you could not just make this one up.  She took my name and I waited for about 10 minutes.  As I was standing to the side it seems they shipped these interpreters from all over the USA for this special weekend in Salem.  There was an older gentleman welcoming two women and a man from different areas of the USA.  He told the older woman she would be the lead and the other two would be working with her. He invited them to sit and asked me to follow them into the tent.  I have to tell you I am very excited that these professionals are going to finally settle my restlessness from this crazy dream I had many years ago.  What is a Dream Interpreter professional?  Well I do not know but I am glad they are here!

I sat down and the welcomed me and I was excited to know I was their first of the night.  That means they are awake and ready to impress!  They greeted me and told me their names and where they are from.  I forgot all that information since I just wanted to get to the point. I said you people will think I am crazy but I am excited to know what my dream means.  They sat quietly and waited for me to blirt it all out.  I started out by saying this dream was quick but has been in my mind for about three years now.  It is to crazy for anyone to make up so here it is: [Read more →]

This is a lesson on how to make a Culinary Glaze.   The proper definition of a glaze is a stock of some sort reduced to at least 85 % of its volume.  You simmer your desired stock slowly letting the water steam away.  This results in a liquid which has more intense flavor and syrupy by nature.

What can you make a glaze from? 
Well anything from chicken stock to fruit juices to vinegars.  I recently saw “in a specialty store”a bottle of Balsamic glaze. The price was absolutely ridiculous.  All you need to do is take some cheaper balsamic vinegar and reduce it by 85% and there you have your glaze.

You can also get very creative with glazes.  How about taking your chicken stock and add rosemary to it.  Reducing this would give you a fantastic rosemary infused chicken glaze.  Think about the many options and combinations you can create from simply experimenting.

What are glazes used for?  Did you ever see a chef decorate a plate with his fancy little sauces?  How about a small amount of glaze across an appetizer or tomatoes?  Remember a little glaze goes along way.  You do not want to you ample amounts like a sauce due to intensity of the flavor of a glaze.ok

  Ok enough I will finally answer this question. Please stop emailing me about this question.  I know many other chefs out there side step this question and instead tell you to eat a cow.  But what if your stuck in Africa or say the local zoo and there is nothing to eat?  I have thought about this long and hard and I will get to my answer in just a minute!  Please keep PETA from harrasing me.  I, in no way, condone eating these friendly animimals.  Think about field dressing one of these things anyway!

  The answer is YES! You can eat an elephant although their flesh is very leathery.  I suggest cutting it with the grain in large steaks and marinating it in a catolina dressing for 48 hours to brake down the fibers.  Then cook it on a grill to medium rare.  Prepare to eat it by slicing it against the grain in small strips just like london broil.

  In some countries ( I think mostly africa…since you would be arrested for doing this in say Animal Kindom park in floriday) elephant trunk and feet are great delicacies.  I bet pickled elephant feet in jars would go over well here in the USA.  A company that makes jars should create them and market them but remember this was my idea I want royalties.
Chef

http://tinyurl.com/2rs7pg – Read this before you continue.

Now, I’d like to point out how amazingly idiotic this situation is. Simple, innocent happenings concluding with such blatant hypocrisy are what further exacerbate any racism, sexism, etc.

Allow me to elaborate on why I say ‘hypocrisy’, while making a few points.

First of all, I think it quite reasonable to say, “Yes, people have different skin colors. Yes, different colors come out in various, differentiating ways in, say, photographs. Yes, lining up the children based on skin color would be far easier for the photographer.”

 To make such an unnecessary stupidity of a photographer doing something like this is hypocrisy in itself; the parents, by thwarting this innocent act, have thus reinforced the fact that people have to be careful, aware, and consciously thinking about not doing something because of skin color, rather than accepting the simple fact that colors of the skin are different, and going no further than that (because there is no further to go).

Because my wording is vague, I’ll compare this to two differences we think nothing of.

A photographer, to a classroom of children, says, “Okay, kids. Make three rows. Taller people in the back, medium people in the middle, and shorter people in the front. That way, you can all stand, and each of your faces will be seen.” – There’s no problem with this, is there? As a matter of fact, it’s commonly done, without any qualm.

Why?

Because people see no further than the obvious, and reasonable differences of height. Why should it be any different in skin color? Obviously a person of darker skin would be more difficult to see in a lack of light than a person with lighter skin. Am I racist for making this assumption?

No. I have common sense.

I think that, by suggesting the children line up by skin color, for the photograph to be taken more easily, advocated seeing only the differences in color as just that; differences in color. Nothing more, nothing less. The parents, ironically enough, are what make this case a contribution to the life of racism.

You probably heard this term before.  Watching a cooking show  or maybe as a staff worker in a food service establishment.  This term makes or breaks a professional cook.  This shows the Executive Chef if their new cook knows what the hell they are doing.  Mise En Place basically means “to put in a proper place”. 

Have you ever watched that tv cook prepare his great culinary delight right by the stove?  They have all their ingredients in little glass bowls!  Imagine actually preparing your ingredients by the amounts needed?  Teaspoon of salt already measured in a little bowl ready to dump in?  This is MISE EN PLACE!  Basically you get everything ready before you begin.  

How many times have I seen cooks fumbling around the kitchen or bake shop looking for the nutmeg!  It drives Chef’s crazy watching their cooks flutter like a fish out of water running around looking through shelves for that one ingredient.  That brings up another statement to my mind: ” A place for everything and everything in its place!” 

I have heard this statement on many cooking shows and they seem to never explain what that term means!  As always email me with any culinary questions or comments.

Until next time…….Chef

As a self proclaimed nerd, I take pride in seeking and redistributing the knowledge I find a long the way.  This is not the case for all G.N.D.’s, as a future piece that will deal with the “Geekier than Thou” attitude shall address.  But as a seeker of knowledge, when I do speak, it is usually with some semblance of confidence that I at least have a base understanding of what I am speaking about.  So when G.N.D.’s are placed in a situation where their knowledge is called into question or simply dismissed, the first action taken is usually to do some research.  We hate being wrong, but if we are we at least want to know what we were wrong about so that it doesn’t happen again.

It was general break room conversation, the kind that goes on about the little non indepth, non descript, just enough information to keep down the dreaded silence that all but those trying to read hate.  On this day it just happened to be about the recent influx of winged pests into some co-workers homes. And so I, also having recently experienced this encroachment, commented on the “pumpkin” bug infestation.

“Oh, (awkward silence) no, they are lady bugs.  The news said so.”  was the reply.

The dork in me stopped talking about it.  I didn’t have the confidence to back up my thoughts.   I was pretty sure that the bugs crawling around my house and the run of the mill lady bugs, were in fact two different kinds of bugs.   Sometimes you can judge your audience, and know that no matter how much you try to persuade them otherwise, unless you have the credentials, they will believe the news over you to a fault.

So, when I arrived home, moping at having my added information to the conversation so lightly dismissed, I decided to research the little pests online.

Well, to my slight dismay, while there is a bug called a “pumpkin” bug (I can’t remember where I got the term pumpkin bug from but I was always told that they were not lady bugs)…it is not the kind of bug that is infesting the houses this time of year.  (If you do happen to have a pumpkin or squash patch though, it might be the cause of any current crop issues)  However, I did find out that the beetle that is finding its way through every nook and cranny, is occasionally called a “Halloween” bug due to it’s orange-red color and the time of year it chooses to make it’s way indoors.

So the specifics…

The beetle that is infesting mine and other’s houses is called the Multicolored Asian Lady Beetle.  So it is in fact a lady beetle. However, what we call a “Lady Bug” is what is known as a Convergent Lady Beetle and is a native species, where as the M.A.L.B. comes from Asia. The M.a.l.b. was introduced several times over the past 100 years in an effort to cut down on crop eating aphids and scales.

Our little pesky friends are actually quite harmless.  Once in our homes they do not reproduce as they are simply “overwintering”. They do not eat but instead live off of their fat stores…and if they do eat it’s only soft bodied insects, so they can be a beneficial little critter. The only real issue with them is the stink/stains they produce if they are squished or severely traumatized.  They do this unique thing where they release some of their blood in defense…which happens to smell and stain.

So I might not have been 100% accurate,*tear* but I was right about it not being the same as your average “ladybug”.  I, at least, was not willing to take the news at it’s word, just because it was the news, and I made sure that the next time I spoke of the subject I would at least have a better base understanding, so that I could be confident in my facts.  I also have the added benefit of having learned some interesting new facts I might not otherwise have known, had my knowledge not been questioned.  (Like the best way to rid your house of the buzzy beetles.  Go to the last link and scroll down for a diagram that shows how to prepare a M.a.l.b. removal device)
And here’s a few web sites where you yourselves can check on the information i just wrote:

http://ohioline.osu.edu/hse-fact/1030.html

http://www.ext.colostate.edu/Pubs/insect/05594.html

http://www.extension.umn.edu/distribution/housingandclothing/M1176.html

And if you made it through this piece…(<— a perfect example of dorkish lack of confidence)

My next topic tackled…chock full of goodies…The Role of Role Play and its many incarnations

dun…Dun…DUN!!!
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Now playing: Matt Hardwick Vs. Smith & Pledger – Day One (Above And Beyond Mix)
via FoxyTunes

Allow me to say that, this is, in no way, an attempt to disprove God (for I believe such a thing is impossible). It is, in no way, stating that God came into existence when man did. It is, in no way, saying anything about God; rather, saying something about the common depiction God by men to other men and themselves. It is an attempt to show that man cannot truly understand or quantify God, and that even the widley accepted descriptions and phrases used to do so defeat themselves when actually applied to any concept of infinity.

The word omnipotent, along with omnipresent and all knowing bring me to the actual point; the inability of concepts, words and descriptions created by man to describe, fathom, perceive and, otherwise, quantify God. What is constantly perpetuated, instead, is a man with infinite power rather than a God. A man who, in heaven, sits on a throne and commands things. A man who ponders on if he should create an unliftable rock or not. A man who knows everything. Man is readily able to describe another man with concepts that man has created, though, language is not capable of describing God, or anything dealing with the concept of infinity.

Let us take the phrase all knowing for how it is applied to God. The defenition is quite self explained, no? Knowing all. There is nothing that an all knowing being does not know. In order, though, for the man-made concept of knowing to exist, there must be a concept of not knowing something, for knowing is the absense of not knowing and vise versa (along the philosophy that there is no life without death, no black without white, etc.).

Now, taking this into consideration, taking into thought the necessity of any one of man’s abstract concepts to require an equal opposing force to be described and understood, I’ll attempt to reveal a paradox in the application of the phrase all knowing to God:

At one point, God was the only being in existence. There was nothing else but God, nothing at all. Now, God was all knowing. It knew everything that there was to know, but, how could God be all knowing if there was nothing to not know? If there was not yet an opposing force to quantify and define knowledge?

This philosophy can also be applied to both the concepts of omnipotent and omnipresent.