Top 17 Worst Song Lyrics Ever Performed

I know you’ve done it. We’ve all done it. A song comes on the radio…you’re listening desperately to try and figure out the words. Suddenly, “what did he just say?” is the initial reaction that comes out of your mouth! Did they really just say that? Couldn’t they have thought of something else?

When I first began my quest to create this list, my initial reaction was to simply state: “Every song lyric ever written by Nickelback.” These boys drive me absolutely insane. I cannot tolerate them on the radio for more than a quick second before a deathly scowl comes across my face, a look that I’m sure resembles the same one as when I drive to the “transfer station” in town to unload my recycleables and household waste.

But the question on most of our minds is, quite simply put, “WHY?” Why on earth did someone write this lyric? Are your creative impulses as such a lull that you really couldn’t find anything else? Did you call someone for assistance? Even “Who Wants to be a Millionaire” has lifelines; maybe you should have a few stockpiled for reference as well.

So here we go! After months of research and lending a heartfelt ear to the music industry, this is THE list of “The 17 Worst Song Lyrics Ever Performed”:

17. Eric Clapton—“I Shot the Sheriff”
“I shot the sheriff,
But I did not shoot the deputy”.

So, since you didn’t shoot the deputy, shooting the sheriff is okay. Are you trying to arrange some sort of plea bargain and rat out the dude who did shoot the deputy? I think that the sheriff is of greater value, and that you’re still in some serious trouble, but if you think you can get out of this by throwing somebody else under the bus, all the power to you.

16. Elton John– “Your Song” (Lyrics by Bernie Taupin)
“If I was a sculptor-
But then again, No!”

I’m well aware of the infamous “Two Rooms” technique the Elton and Bernie used to write their songs (Bernie would write the lyrics alone in one room and then hand them off to Elton, who would then put them to music all by himself). But maybe this method was not foolproof. After all, this line is stupid. Maybe Bernie wrote it, realized it was dumb, and wrote “But then again, no” as a way of stating that the line needed to be deleted and didn’t have any white-out handy. Elton then read the line and thought it was supposed to be included. Let’s just go with that.

15. Green Day–“Disappearing Boy”
“Am I here or am I there
Or am I playing on the stairs
Am I in my room with my toys
I am the disappearing boy”

Or as I like to say…
“I am Sam
Sam I am
I do not like green eggs and ham.”

14. Razorlight– “Somewhere Else”
“And I met a girl,
She asked me my name,
I told her what it was.”

Now this is prophetic. Are you sure? I find it difficult to believe that if a girl asked you your name, you’d tell her. Pure genius boys.

13. Ringo Starr–“You’re 16, You’re Beautiful and You’re Mine”

How about this: “You’re 16, You’re Beautiful, and I’m Going to Jail because You’re a Mine-or”.

12. Culture Club— “Time”
“Time is like a clock in my heart”

Let’s analyze this, shall we? If we leave out the “in my heart” part, we are left with “Time is like a clock.” If time were not like a clock, what would it be like? If a clock were not time, what would a clock be? It would be a complex mechanical device that creates an essence and sound with absolutely no purpose. Then again, if we replaced “in my heart” with just about anything else (like “in my toe” or “in my bathroom”), would we not have the exact same result? It’s all a matter of time. Duh.

11. ABC – “That Was Then But This is Now”
”More sacrifices than an Aztec priest
Standing here straining at that leash
All fall down, can’t complain, mustn’t grumble
Help yourself to another piece of apple crumble.”

Uh, don’t know what to say about this one…it’s just plain ol’ stupid.

10. Puff Daddy and Mase– “Can’t Nobody Hold Me Down”
“Young, black and famous
With money hangin’ out the anus”

Besides the grammatically incorrect title, couldn’t you have left out the anatomically correct speech in this one? Or if body parts were part of the criteria for this genius analogy, perhaps rearranging the words in the top line would be helpful. Try this out: “Black, famous and young with money dripping off my tongue.” Or “Young, famous and black with money rolling off my back.” On a more personal note, I don’t feel the need to know what’s hanging out of your butt.

9. Oasis– “Champagne Supernova”
“Slowly walking down the hall
Faster than a cannonball
Where were you when we were getting high?”

Ah, where to begin. Although I do consider this song one of my personal favorites, if you’re walking at a rate that’s so slow a cannonball is left in your dust, are you really walking slow? Maybe you were sinply getting high with the rest of Oasis when they wrote this.

8. America— “Horse with No Name”
“There were plants
And birds
And rocks
And things”

I have never been to the desert, never mind on a horse with no name, but I’m relatively sure that there’s more stuff there than just “things”. There’s sand, camels, nomads, rattlesnakes, windstorms, ugly bugs and spiders, and depending on which side of the world you’re on, there are casinos. Maybe you should have named your horse before you left on your quest into the desert—it might have stirred up some creative energy for you to come up with something more descriptive than “and things”.

7. Richard Harris (later popularized by Donna Summer) “MacArthur Park”
“MacArthur’s Park is melting in the dark
All the sweet, green icing flowing down…
Someone left the cake out in the rain
I don’t think that I can take it
’cause it took so long to bake it
And I’ll never have that recipe again”.

This lovely lyrical emsemble was made insanely popular during the Disco era by Donna Summer. Wow. Someone left the cake out in the rain, eh? That’s a bummer. Did you find out just whom the culprit was that did this horrible deed? Did they do it on purpose or was it an accident? Did you try looking up the recipe on the Internet?

6. U2- Staring at the Sun
“There’s an insect
In your ear
If you scratch
It won’t disappear”

Although this is a very valid point, maybe you should give your listeners a few ideas as to how to get an insect out of their ear rather than merely stating the obvious. “Jab in a pen, swish it around and it might disappear.” “Call your doctor, he should have the necessary gear.” “If all else fails, get yourself a spear and a beer.”

5. Des’ree – “Life”
”I don’t want to see a ghost,
It’s the sight that I fear most,
I’d rather have a piece of toast,
Watch the evening news.”

If you’re really that fearful of seeing a ghost, there are many more interesting things you could be doing than simply watching the news and eating toast. Maybe you could “drive my yacht up and down the coast” like Kid Rock (or even with Kid Rock, I’m sure he’s entertaining). Or “catch a live pig and watch him roast”. Maybe even “Have a party that I will host”, “Get on a blog so I can post”. Wait! I’ve got it! “I’ll clean the bathroom with my tongue….and then I’ll boast!”

4. 50 Cent— “21 Questions”
“I love you like a fat kid loves cake”.

Dear Mr. Cent,
Don’t you think that you’re being a bit judgmental and a bit stereotypical here? I mean, really. A kid could be overweight due to a thyroid condition or a tumor in their brain (I saw that on “House” once). And there are a lot of other things that could make you fat besides cake, like candy or a complete lack of exercise. Maybe you’re just trying to get out some repressed childhood memories of being a round boy yourself. If this is, in fact, the case, perhaps the line, “I love you like I loved cake when I was a pleasantly plump lil’ dude” would be more suitable. After all, aren’t there enough pressures on our youth to conform to society without you reiterating the fact that we are in the midst of an obese up and coming generation?

Sincerely,
Learnsomethingnewtoday.us

3. Black Sabbath- “War Pigs”
“Generals gathered in their masses,
Just like witches at black masses.”

Oh, I just don’t know where to begin. First of all, the word “masses” doesn’t rhyme with “masses”, for they are, in fact, the exact same word, whether or not they are being used in the same context. A black mass is essentially a parody on the religious service of the Roman Catholic Church, but can be loosely applied to a satire on any religious ceremony. Most people assume that black masses refer to Satanism, which they don’t necessary, but let’s just say for this instance that they do. Witches don’t gather at black masses, for witches simply don’t believe in the “Devil”. They believe that everything that anyone could ever need is provided within the earth. I think that witches have had to deal with centuries of bad reputations and that their philosophies on life are completely justified. Mr. Ozbourne should know better than anyone about dealing with bad press and having to overcome the negativity of being accused of corruption.

And have you checked out your band name lately? It’s “Black Sabbath”, which literally translated means “Dark holy day of rest”. Christians consider this day to be Sunday while Jews around the globe consider the Sabbath to be Saturday, as God created the world in 7 days and rested on the last of them. Just some food for thought.

2. Sade— “Smooth Operator”
“Coast to coast, LA to Chicago”

Uh…did Sade take the same geography class as Britney Spears and Jessica Simpson? And Sade’s not even blonde, so she has no excuse. Someone get this smooth operator an atlas, please.

1. Metallica— “Frantic”
“Frantic-tic-tic-tic-tic-tic-tic-tic-toc
Frantic-tic-tic-tic-tic-tic-tic-tic-toc
Frantic-tic-tic-tic-tic-tic-tic-tic-toc
Frantic-tic-tic-tic-tic-tic-tic-tic-toc”

I do not feel that any comment is necessary on this one. Even if I did write one, I’m sure that James, Lars and the rest of the boys would sue me, just like they sue everybody else. I feel badly because I know for a fact that they really need the money, as the Napster cash must be running thin.