Top 17 Holiday Songs (by Someone Who Hates Christmas)

For as long as I can remember, I’ve absolutely loathed the mere thought of Christmas, never mind the holiday itself. I even hate Thanksgiving, for I know that the festive holiday season is right before us. In recent years, I’ve noticed how quickly the time passes between Halloween and Thanksgiving (the deathly prelude to Christmas), so I’m even beginning to get turned off to my favorite holiday of spooks and ghouls. Pretty soon, I’m just going to hate every day of the year.

Anyways, my husband calls me the “Anti-Christ of Christmas”, for he is truly Clark W. Griswold of “Christmas Vacation” fame. But I try my best to get into the season, mostly for the sake of my kids. I decorate the house, trim the tree, and even occasionally listen to a holiday song or two during the season. That’s why I decided to compile a list of my “Top 17 Holiday Songs”- for there might just be hope for me yet…

#17- ”Christmas is the Time to Say “I Love You”” – by Billy Squier: One of my faves from the early 80’s, Massachusetts native Billy Squier sings a happy song with a decent beat about spreading good cheer around the holidays. There are a lot worse songs out there.

#16- ”Christmas Wrapping” – by The Waitresses: Unique in it’s own right, The Waitresses vocalize the tale of forgetting to pick up the cranberry sauce and meeting a guy at the all-night grocery store. Kind of “rapping”, kind of “singing”, this tune gets one of my top spots for being the most original.

#15- ”The Chipmunk Song” – by The Chipmunks: Recording something spoken very slow and speeding it up never sounded so good. Whoda thought that these guys would have been as big as they are. I wish I had a hula-hoop too, Alvin. But that’s why we have Christmas.

#14- ”Santa Claus and his Old Lady” – by Cheech and Chong: These pot-smokin’ bum-type dudes were great in their day, ending each and every sentence and/or phrase with the tag, “man” and “choos” were things that were worn on feet. The scary thing about these guys is that Cheech is the smart one.

#13- ”Marshmallow World” – by Dean Martin: This guy could have recorded anything and I would listen to it, for I simply adore him. I just think that he had one of the best singing voices of any era. You can always tell whether or not he’s smiling when he sings, too.

#12- ”Wreck the Malls” – by The Bob Rivers Comedy Corp: If you don’t have the CD “Twisted Christmas”, you really need to add it to your holiday collection. With “Deck the Halls” as the original inspiration, this under-rated holiday tune brings to life what the holiday season has become- pushing charge cards to the limit, checkbook now has nothing in it. My fave line? “Wreck the malls with my friend, Charlie, drive to K-Mart on his Harley.”

#11- ”The Twelve Days of Christmas” – by Bob and Doug McKenzie: “The Great White North” brings to us this dynamic, fictional duo of Rick Moranis and Dave Thomas (not the Wendy’s guy) first brought to the world as a sketch on the television series “SCTV”. These beer-guzzling “hosers” bring to life every Candian stereotype ever, and they did a great job on their version of this song. What did their true love bring to them on the “First Day of Christmas”? A beer, of course, ‘eh?

#10- ”All I Want for Christmas is You” – by Mariah Carey: I don’t admit this much, but I like this song. In fact, I believe that if someone really wanted to get information out of me about something, the ideal form of torture to make me talk would be to tie me up and force me to listen to Mariah Carey songs over and over. With that said, my daughter’s first dance recital included her in a pale-blue “angel” ensemble tapping her little heart out to this song. I think that’s why I kinda like it.

#9- ”The Twelve Pains of Christmas” – by The Bob Rivers Comedy Corp: “Fine! You’re so smart, you rig up the lights!” is just one of the classic lines from this original album of holiday funnies. And since I need all of the laughs I can get this time of year, I keep this CD handy when I’m out shopping and kids (whether they are mine or someone else’s) start acting up.

#8- ”Same Old Lang Syne” – by Dan Fogelberg: Yes, it’s sappy, but I like it. The gripping story of a famous singer/songwriter meeting an old flame at the grocery store on a snowy Christmas Eve. They want to catch up on the years, so they decide to go and get a drink. Unable to find an open bar, they buy a six-pack at the liquor store and drink it in her car.

#7- “There’s Something Stuck Up in the Chimney” – by The Bob Rivers Group: And guess what’s stuck? Well, I’ll give you a hint. It’s been there all year long- and Santa never came.

#6- ”The Little Drummer Boy” – by Bob Seger: One of my favorite covers by the infamous wife-beater himself, Bob Seger. Although I’m not a fan of the man or his music, I do give credit where it’s due- Bob’s raspy vocals lend something to this song that very few can do. It’s intense, but laid back. Excellent choice, Mr. Seger.

#5- The Original ”The Hanukkah Song” – by Adam Sandler: This guy just cracks me up. Corny, dorkish lyrics and a catchy tune make this one of my holiday favorites. And yes, I do feel bad for all the little Jewish kids who don’t have a Christmas tree and Santa, but you guys do have 8 “Crazy Nights”.

#4- ”Do They Know it’s Christmas” – by Band Aid: Irish singer/songwriter/actor/political activist Bob Geldof head the news about starving children in Ethiopia and immediately started dialing the phone numbers of Britain’s biggest pop superstars, compiling quite the list of contributors lending their vocal talents to one of the most popular songs ever recorded. Bono (from U2), Boy George, Keren Woodward (from Bananarama), Simon Le Bon (Duran Duran) were among the artists who collaborated on this song. After it’s success, Bob went to work on creating “Live Aid”- a concert of historic proportions that included simulcasts from locations in the US (Philadelphia) and England (Wembley Stadium). My favorite part- Phil Collins playing the drums for Led Zeppelin’s performance, replacing the late John Bonham.

#3- ”Christmas Time” – by Bryan Adams: I don’t know what it is, but I always leave this song on when it comes on the radio. Original, croaky lyrics that just tug at my toughened holiday heartstrings. This song has been around for a number of years, and while a lot of people really like it, they don’t know that it was sung by one of the intense Canadian rockers of the 1980’s. Kudos to you, Bryan.

#2- ”Christmas Eve Sarajevo” – by The Trans Siberian Orchestra: Powerful guitar riffs combined with an intense traditional orchestra line-up that send tingles down my spine take this “Carol of the Bells” blend to my personal #2 spot.

#1- “Father Christmas” by The Kinks From the very first time I heard this song (when I was about 10 years old), I fell in love with the guitar riffs. The love for the lyrics came later when I realized that Christmas was so much more than toys and presents. “Have yourself a merry, merry Christmas- Have yourselves a good time- But remember the kids who’ve got nothing- While you‘re drinking down your wine.”