Top 17 (Soon to be Broken) New Years Resolutions for 2008! By Lisa

Who hasn’t woken up on New Years Day (or in a drunken stupor on New Years Eve) with the massive sense of starting the New Year off right and accomplish a life-long wanted task, need, or want? Unless you’re under the age of 13, you’ve probably committed yourself to such a New Years Resolution and broken it within the first week. It all comes down to how much self-discipline the resolutioner has, how great the desire, or sometimes it comes down to the almighty dollar that destroys our dreams of such an endeavor. Can you do it this year? Who knows, but one does get a two-thumbs up just for trying.

Personally, it’s the first time in about 25 New Years where I haven’t opted to lose weight for my own resolution. I can’t remember that last time that I was actually happy with my weight. After all, I’m going to be 40 this year, and if I’m too thin, lines will appear on my face, and I rather enjoy people mistaking me for someone younger and getting carded. I should resolve to do a number of things to better my current situation, but I’ve decided to keep things on the “light side”, as one of my goals for the year is to eliminate unnecessary stress and not to take life so seriously. So here I go! Here is my Top 17 (soon to be broken) New Years Resolutions for 2008:

17. To finally visit my favorite named town in the US- “Happyland, Connecticut”. It’s real, just look at the map: Happyland, Ct.

16. To stop saying, when I don’t want to do something, “I’d rather clean the bathroom with my tongue.”

15. Buy an island where no men are allowed, except for Johnny Depp, who can come twice each year- when daylight saving time begins and ends…to change the batteries in the smoke detectors. I will also build a church or other “house of worship” on the island so I don’t have to pay any property taxes.

14. To end each sentence with “in accordance with the prophecy”.

13. Stop going to the ATM inside of the bank and screaming, “I WON!” when my cash is dispensed. I will limit myself to doing this only at the drive-up.

12. Dedicate myself one night per week to yoga…and not “drunk yoga”, either…Real, honest-to-goodness power yoga that makes you sweat like a cow and leaves any yogi in pain for days…I simply adore it.

11. To find a way for my 10-year old son to stop being the cheapest kid on the planet. (He is horrid when it comes to charity, or simply spending money on something that’s not for him.) He has been quoted in school, when asked to donate some edibles to the local food panty, as saying “I’m not paying for other people to eat!” and “My family doesn’t do that!” He has told me several times that he doesn’t like me going to work “just so other people can eat”. When I tell him that I go to work so that WE can eat, he replies with “Let’s just go to the food pantry!”

10. To stop worrying about everything, especially the things that I have no control over. Because when it comes down to it, if you don’t have any control over something, the outcome is completely out of your hands, right? Yeah…that brings me to my next resolution…

9. Find a better shrink (or better meds).

8. I am going to ask 5 people I know 5 questions about themselves (or our relationship) that I really want to know. If I typically correspond with said individual via email, and they don’t always respond, I am informing them of my mission, and let it be known that I will not stop until I get the answers I am seeking. (I have started this already and I highly recommend this to everyone, as it’s really a lot of fun to annoy people.)

7. Take a class on horticulture so I can find out why my money tree isn’t growing ten-dollar bills…only stupid leaves. Hmmm…maybe if I watered it? Or planted it outside?

6. To stop laughing at other people’s misfortunes, like the guy who died this past year at a proverbial “lap-dance-marathon”. He was obviously in the strip club because he was lonely (sure) and needed some attention (yup!). Maybe he died of a broken heart (high hopes). Read the article on this tragic story here: Lap-dance-a-thon -authored by a female who seemingly is named for her expertise in the field of strippery and other sexual arts. (This link was found via the blogging expertise of www.kadlecik.ca- Thanks Jason!

5. To find a happy medium between “sacrifice” and “happy”. I think that would be “content”, but I’m not sure because I’m obviously “not”.

4. To teach someone else in my family how to use my LG front-loading washing machine so that I’m not the only one utilizing its awesomeness. To my 12-year-almost-13-year-old daughter Nikki, the washer is the one on the left.

3. To find time to get back into my true passion: steam cleaning the carpets and upholstery.

2. Invent a mechanism so that my bi-polar beagle can open the sliding door, hook up to his run, stay out for 6 seconds, come back in and unhook from the chain all by himself as many times as he wants throughout the course of the day, thus alleviating me from the temptation of drop-kicking the dog into the woods.

1. To give up on my lifelong mission of world organization by trying to alphabetize it. Imagine how wonderful grocery shopping would be if frozen brussel sprouts were next to the frozen carrots. The time one would save would be priceless, but I must admit to myself that such organization on one’s own is not really possible. Maybe one day…