Top 17 People I’d Like to See the US Spy Satellite Hit on Earth (February/March 2008)

With all of the electronic doo dads and computer hackers out there just waiting to make their mark on the world, there’s a US Spy Satellite that’s lost power in the skies above and should be crashing down to earth at some point in late February or March 2008. And whoda thunk, but our extremely overpaid experts of such issues have no idea where it’s going to land/crash. So should we run and hide? Build an underground bomb shelter (of course I’d call mine a “Satellite Asylum”)? Do we run out an prey to every deity known to man just in case our faith was the wrong one? Do we call Bruce Willis? (He has saved the planet more than anyone).

I say “NO!” I think we should all think positively and direct this potential catastrophe to a place where it would do the most good. Of course, I have come up with my personal list of the Top 17 People I’d Like to See the US Spy Satellite Crash into for the 2008 remote projectile collision-with-earth season. And they are:

#17. Paris Hilton: I know that she’s probably on everyone’s “hit list”, but I did feel the need to mention her on mine. This chick is what’s wrong with this country, and the entire world is well aware of her antics…and that’s what they think Americans are like.

#16. Metallica: It started with the whole “Napster thing” a few years back. While I agree that music shouldn’t be downloaded illegally as the artists should be paid for their time, effort and talents, Metallica got all whiny and babyish about the whole thing. The first thing that pops into my head when I hear these guys on the radio is a Boston Radio Station playing something like 4 Metallica songs at the same time every day. The promo’s for this musical excerpt ended with the tagline: “Cuz Lars Needs the Money!”

#15. Rosie O’Donnell: Dear Rosie…I can’t even watch “The Flinstone’s Movie” anymore without wanted to jab a pen in my eye. Sincerely, Lisa

#14. Saddam Hussein: Just hit this guy’s grave and we’ll call it a day.

#13. John Kerry: If this dude had won the presidential election in 2004, my national anthem would have been “Oh Canada!”

#12. OJ Simpson: Other than making murder legal in the state of California, this guy is just a plain old menace to society.

#11. George W. Bush: Need I say more?

#10. Martha Stewart: While I do agree that this woman is gifted and talented in many ways, her mere lack of facial expressions is enough to make me vomit.

#9. Tom Cruise: The old saying, There’s no such thing as bad press” was obviously said before Mr. Cruise came around.

#8. Abe: This one’s personal. Never forgive, never forget. (Thank you Sweeney Todd for that wonderful tag-line!)

#7. Hillary Clinton: Besides the fact that I don’t think that a female president is a good idea right now, what sort of example is she setting for her daughter, never mind the rest of the planet, when she’s staying with a guy who straight out cheated on her and lied about it to the entire world? Can this woman ever look at a cigar again?

#6. Michael Jackson: A projectile from the sky would put this guy out of his misery. This formerly “African American” pop icon is such a talented individual that it’s almost sad that he’s such an idiot.

#5. Osama Bin Laden: I don’t think that I need to write anything here, so I won’t. Oh wait, I just did.

#4. Michael Bolton: “Tell me how am I supposed to live without you?” Let me count the ways.

#3. Britney Spears: A product of her environment, may I just say that if people want to be truly “hidden” from the media, they don’t drive around Hollywood at 3 am. They move far away from all of the glitz and glamour of LA to a place like North Dakota, or to a tiny village in France like Johnny Depp.

#2. Michael Moore: Just a moronic liberal with a movie camera.

#1. Mariah Carey: If the enemy of whatever ever kidnapped me, and they wanted to get information out of me for whatever, all they would have to do is tie me up and force me to listen to Mariah Carey and I would crack in under 2 seconds.