Are Child Support Laws Equitable and Fair For Both Parents?
I know that this article as well as this subject is going to touch the chord of so many people both positive and negative, both mothers and fathers. I recently posed a question to both men and women and to my astonishment; both favored and concurred with it. So, what is it? Child support! Did you know that child support is determined on the income of the noncustodial parent? Yes, I’m sure most of you know that. However, do most of you agree that child support laws are antiquated and biased and needs to be changed?
If support payment is based on a noncustodial parent income, then what happens to the excess of the money that is received by the custodial parent once the child’s needs are taken care of? Most noncustodial parents want accountability for the payments received. I concur. During the divorce process, both parties are required to present a financial affidavit outlining all their expenses, assets and their income. Why then shouldn’t custodial parents outline the monthly expenses of the child or children and present that to establish support payment? If it takes only $500 for a child’s monthly expenses and the custodial parent receives $1200, then the remaining $700 is custodial support. Doesn’t seem fair does it? The question that was presented to both men and women was should custodial parents be accountable for the child support payment they receive?
Child support laws have changed in many states to include the income of both parents, however, it needs to be changed nationwide for child support to be based on the expenses of each child. Most noncustodial parents would then stop evading child support and those that are reluctant to pay child support will pay child support because it will be based on the expenses and needs of the child. In order to make child support fair to both parents, this small change can be easily implemented when establishing the child support order.
Christy is pregnant by her ex-boyfriend and she came to my office for advice on how to proceed with her relationship with the father of her child. She was initially quite angry and disappointed but elated that she was having a baby. She did not want the father involved with the unborn baby and wanted to do it all by herself. I thought how selfish, but I explained to her that her baby would benefit by having both parents involved in his/her life. In another session, we discuss how much child support she should receive. I asked her to write down all the expenses she would incur from having the baby as well as the budget monthly for caring for the baby. She brought the expenses during a follow-up session and I suggested that is the amount you ask for child support and present the father with the budget. When she came back, her relationship with the father had taken a positive turn. Christy informed me that he was relieved that she was fair and equitable in deciding on the financial responsibility of raising their child.
However, the face of child support is changing. Statistic shows that 85% of custodial parents are mothers and 15% are fathers. The fasting growing segment/population of parents are fathers. More and more fathers are fighting for custody and in today’s changing world; more fathers are getting custody of their children.
This is the perfect place to introduce Denise. Denise contacted me last year when her husband, of whom she was separated from, kept her two children when they visited him for the summer. She wanted to know her rights and the rights of her husband. What I told her shocked her. No parent actually has custody of their children unless it is outlined and determined in a divorce decree or in other documentation signed by both parents. I suggested to Denise that when the children come back for the Christmas holiday she could keep the children with her. However, I also suggested that she should have a candid conversation with her children to see where they prefer to live, with mommy or daddy.
At Christmas her two children came to visit, however, Denise did not take my advice. The children went back after the holiday to their father. During her divorce hearing in the following spring, and when the issue of custody was presented, the judge asked, “if you wanted the children with you, why didn’t you keep them when they came to visit?” He continued to say, “if you didn’t think the father was doing a good job with the children, why did you allow them to stay with him for so long.” Denise called me after the hearing and informed me that the father was awarded custody and she should have listened to me.
Denise is not the only mother I know that doesn’t have custody of their children and is the noncustodial parent. I have several mothers that I consult that are noncustodial parents. What happens when mothers are noncustodial parents? Do they have to pay the percentage outlined in child support laws? The answer is yes. What I’ve seen when mothers are noncustodial parents are fathers are more lenient to mothers paying child support and seldom demand that they pay the amount outlined in child support laws. This is the case for Denise. She only pays a small amount per month to the father for the care of her two children.
After seeing a trend in the way fathers who are custodial parents allow the mothers who are noncustodial parents to pay a smaller amount from the norm, it got me to thinking, why are so many mothers, who are custodial parents demanding noncustodial parents to pay a percentage of their income when in most cases that amount greatly exceed the need of the child or children.
I’m hoping that the laws will change in the future to allow custodial parents to outline the monthly expenses of their child or children when faced with child support. More noncustodial parents will stop evading paying child support and more will spend quality time with their children. Since 1975, over $100 billion is owed in unpaid child support. Of the amount owed, 70% of the noncustodial parents make less than $10,000 annually. The figure continues to grow because of the economy and the high number unemployment rate because of the amount of people being laid off. However, if both parents are working together for the same goals, and those goals are to love, provide, protect, be their physically, emotionally, and spiritually for our children, we are providing the best for our children.
When noncustodial parents pay child support, they are more likely to be involved and spend quality time with their children. Statistic shows that when both mother and father are actively involved in their children’ lives, the children do better in school, more likely to go to college, less likely to be involved in drugs, less likely to get pregnant, and less likely to be involved in gangs and violence. It starts with noncustodial parents being treated fairly when it comes to child support. After all it is “child support” not “custodial parent” support. Let’s work together to change the laws as it pertains to the monthly amount noncustodial parents pay for child support. You can start by contacting and writing your Senator or State Representative asking them to change the laws and make child support based on the monthly financial needs and expenses of the child or children. We can make a difference and we can strengthen families.
A child needs both parents involved in their life. When one parent abuses or misuses the other parent, a great amount of strain is placed on the relationship. The parent who is absent from the home, the noncustodial parent, will feel resentment and most likely stay away, even at the sacrifice of not seeing his/her child or children. I hear it time and time again from noncustodial parent and in most of my sessions with custodial parents; I communicate the frustrations and desires of noncustodial parents. Some times my message is positively received and other times the emotions of the custodial parents and noncustodial parents perpetuate a great division between both parents. I strongly believe that if most custodial parents appreciated and respected noncustodial parents many dilemmas between the two parents could be greatly avoided. Also, by no means am I taking away the responsibilities of noncustodial parents, what I see daily are the opportunities being taken away from noncustodial parents.
When one parent is no longer living in the same household with the other parent and children, a child support battle ensues. It can be made easier with less emotion and with both parents satisfied with the process if the actual expenses of the child or children are taken into consideration. All noncustodial parents will know exactly where the money is being spent and that child support payments are being accounted for. Parenthood is an opportunity and responsibility. So many times one parent takes that away from the other parent. We as parents can make a difference in the lives of our children by providing the best for them. The best for them is both parents actively participating and involved in our children lives and both parents wanting and providing the best for our children. What a wonderful world this would be.
Here are some suggestions to move more towards an amicable relationship with the other parent.
o Decide that your child’s or children’ best interest is the most important aspect of the relationship with both parents.
o Write a budget for each child. Make a list of all the expenses that is involved with the monthly care and needs of each child.
o Start appreciating the other parent and realize that they make a world of difference in the lives of their children.
o Get past the emotional upsets that caused the relationship to go awry. Parenting without the emotional upsets toward the other parent will open up a new relationship between both parents that will ultimately benefit your children.
o Contact your child support office and let them know that the budgeted amount calculated in as mentioned above in the second point is what you want to receive monthly for child support.
o Contact your Senator or State Representative and let them know that child support law need to be based on the expenses of each child and abolish the percentage of income of the noncustodial parent based laws.
o Watch and see the noncustodial parent playing a more important and bigger role in their child’s or children’ lives.
o Watch and see the difference in your child or children.
o Better yet, watch and see how your life will ultimately change because of letting go of all the hurt, pain, anger, disappointment, frustrations and whatever other emotional baggage that festered inside of you. Your family will completely change for the better.
I hope that these suggestions are received and are acted upon and that overnight your life, your children’ lives and the noncustodial life will change for the better. However, we are all human and it make take some longer than others. The most important aspect of change is wanting to change and wanting what’s best for not only ourselves, but for those we love. Start with one suggestion and keep adding each day, each week and whenever you’re able to move on.
Take my advice because I have played the role of both custodial and noncustodial parent and I feel and have lived the experiences of both. Trust me, my advice will make a world of difference for your children.
Dawnette Lounds-Culp
Publisher/Author
The Face of Child Support
http://www.angeleyespublishingco.com
Author: Dawnette Lounds-Culp
Article Source: EzineArticles.com
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2 comments
I definitely agree with all your points about how child support should be, well, focused on children. You really cut through a lot of the bickering and resentment that often goes on between divorced or seperated parents, and it could do a lot of good if those parents did forget their squabbles and chose to let their relationship be neutral, based on providing for the child.
However, basing child support on the child’s expenses isn’t really focusing on the child. The expenses of a young child are usually based on the expenses of the household they live in. Can the household afford to eat out often? In that case, the child will have high food expenses. Is the child’s guardian unable to afford/take time for long vacations? In that case, the child will have low holiday costs. Making the child-support-payer base their payments on the child’s expenses is really basing it on the other parent’s expenses – and, trust me, that could be a cause for strife. For example, what if the non-guardian is asked to pay part of a child’s expensive boarding school fees because the guardian has decided to follow her career to a country with poor schools?
Moreover, paying child support based on the other parent’s income helps fix a lot of questions like, ‘why should a child struggle financially because he chose to stay with the poorer parent?’.
Maybe the dads who ask for child support are onto something. Perhaps child support could be based on the expected amount of a child’s upbringing if he had average expenses, but partially adjusted for the other parents income.
Here’s a question. When mothers demand the maximum possible child support, are they the ones who never had a full relationship with the father? Let’s face it. When the mother and father seperated faster than a nine month pregnancy, the mother is left with the baby. She might only have met the father for a one-night stand; in that case, he’s nearly a stranger and she has no qualms about getting as much money as she can from him. On the other side, if the father kept the baby then he had at the very least a nine-month relationship with the mother, likely more. That may make him think more, and tailor his demands better to either the child or the mother’s circumstance. I doubt this explains everything – since mothers keep children ‘by default’ (a sorry stereotype, but true), then any father who fights that probably has a connection to the children and a sense of responsibility. Maybe men even are more likely to insist that they can care for their offspring by themselves. Maybe women who are left suddenly with young children are vengeful and want the escaping father to pay over every penny they can make him.
There’s way too many factors here. Heck, if we could pick one set of people and say, ‘this is what a couple who will split up and need to sort out child support looks like’ then we could dissuade them from choosing each other in the first place. Your strategy works fine for parents who have the grace to put aside their differences and the affection to give honest attention to their children, but there are sets of parents out there who do neither.
I’m going to hope that the fraction of dads who chose custody are the good examples, and that the child support they are demanding is fair to mother and to child. That won’t be all of them, but it will be some, and some of the mothers too. The biggest issue isn’t figuring out how that group solves their problems – the issue is how to make everyone else willing to try.
Your article is interesting. I quite agree that child support should be based on actual expense rather than income. Unfortunately, there are far too many loopholes in our ‘system’ for people who are truly cruel, lazy and vindictive to get what they really want out of their ex-spouse: money. Many people view financial gain as the best way to strike back against their ex-spouse, or to drown their sorrows over their failed marriages. Of course there are always those whose main concern has always been money, from day one of the marriage. They will gladly sacrifice their morals, their dignity, and even their children on the altar of the money god.
In one particular case, the parents were awarded equal joint legal and physical custody after a terrible divorce battle. The mother had several affairs, stolen and hidden money from the family business, and took the children and ran away from the father, making many false accusations against him to tarnish his image so that she would have the upper hand in the court battles. Income was the only factor considered in the initial child support case, and it was found that the mother made slightly more than the father and in spite of her wild accusations she was not given full custody of the children or any form of child support from the father. In fact, since she has such a good income, she was ordered to pay a small amount (less than $200) to the father each month to help with the costs of medical insurance, which he alone provided to the 3 children. The mother fought viciously for child support and caused the case to be dragged on for years. She falsely inflated the children’s actual expenses, even adding many of her own expenses in to inflate numbers when she tried filing judgments against the father. She then made every effort to convince the children that she was destitute because of the burden of their care, dragging them right into the middle of her vendetta against their father. As time passed she discovered a way to extract excessive, unnecessary child support from the father: she stopped being responsible on any level. She quit showing up for work and stopped performing her duties and was forced to quit her job. During that time she also was convicted of DWI, then had an alcohol related car accident with other irresponsible friends. She moved in and out of homes and relationships with many men, constantly trying to keep the children from their father so she could prove that she provided more care and deserved child support. She spent the hundreds of thousands of dollars she received in the divorce settlement on a lavish new home, built from the ground up, and hid the rest of the money in investment accounts and assets. She stopped parenting the children and started bribing them with expensive gifts and helping them avoid any consequences for their actions; basically let them do anything they wanted so they would want to stay with her more. Then, she applied for welfare through the state and county offices–and received it! The county then reviewed her case, since she had 3 dependents and zero income listed, and found that the father still had income. They wasted no time filing a child support order against him, based on his very modest income of less than $40,000/year as a self employed farmer, and her alleged current income of ‘zero’. He was ordered to pay an excessive amount of child support to the mother, thought she lived in a $400,000 home and had assets and investment accounts she failed to disclose.
Because of ‘limited funding’, the county has still not taken action to investigate the mother for welfare and child support fraud, though there is so much evidence against her the case would be open and shut in a heartbeat. Meanwhile, the father has been forced to continue being the responsible parent and provides for every expense the children incur 100% of the time. Other developments to be considered in this case include one child being institutionalized for 11 months due to the extreme instability and trauma suffered from the mother’s ‘care’. During the time the child was in placement, the mother refused to turn over to the institution that child’s portion of the child support and was recently sued for the amount by the same county which facilitated her getting welfare and child support in the first place! That child now lives full time with the father, per the court’s order. Another child has chosen to live full time with the father, and the youngest has also preferred to stay with the father more due to the mother’s extreme instability, but has been forced to return for parenting time with the mother due to the court’s efforts to be ‘fair and equitable’ to both parents. I have discovered that ‘fair and equitable’ are not always synonymous with ‘right and moral’ and are often not in the child’s best interests either.
The father has explored many different legal options, but has been largely unsuccessful in his attempts due to the state and county governments lack of concern and effort. Because he is a father, he is discriminated against terribly and is simply ‘expected’ to be the responsible parent who provides 100% of the financial support for his children, whether or not that is really the way it should be. The support the father in the case I mentioned is currently forced to pay is based on false information, inflated expenses, and is grossly unfair.
Change is definitely needed. More urgent than even changing the way child support is calculated is the need for our society to recognize father’s rights and stop punishing those parents, whether male or female, who are being responsible and providing the financial as well as emotional, physical, and spiritual support for their children. The system’s way of rewarding parents for their lack of effort to parent their children has caused an epidemic of deadbeat parents. The number of deadbeat mother’s who have learned how to manipulate this system to get free food, clothing, Christmas gifts, rent assistance, utility assistance, and more has grown drastically in the past 20 years. But so much focus is put on ‘deadbeat dads’ that this epidemic is going largely unnoticed. I say, throw ‘fair and equitable’ out the window because it’s a myth anyway, and start using common sense, moral standards and simple decency to make decisions again and you will see things change for the better, especially for those innocent children placed in the middle of two people’s bad decisions.
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