Top 17 Sarcastic One Liners

  100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?

  All men are idiots, and I married their King.

  Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

  Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

  Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

  He who laughs last thinks slowest.

  I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

  I’m as confused as a baby in a topless bar.

  If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

  It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

  Remember half the people you know are below average.

  The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.

  There’s too much blood in my caffeine system.

  Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.

  You are depriving some poor village of its idiot.

  Your kid may be an honors student, but you’re still an idiot.

  Your gene pool could use a little chlorine.

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